A jelly baby....

...woke up after a wild night out, feeling really rough.
Looking down, he noticed that his willy was covered in wee aniseed balls and tiny bits of liquorice.
In a panic, he ran down to the local STD clinic to get checked out by the pox-docter on call.
After a thourough examination, the pox-doc stands up and says "Jeezo - that looks serious, what the Hell have you been up to?".
The jelly baby replies - "Fucking allsorts!"

That got sent to me by text when I was plugging my moby in at my maw's to recharge.
She laughed away at it for most of the day.
......considering it was the second aniversary of my Da's death - not bad, brought a wee smile to her coupon and stopped her getting too morbid.

Heard another one tonight.
2 Parish priests go away on holiday to somewhere sunny - Benidorm. They make a pact to ditch the dog-collars, get some casual clothes and really enjoy themselves.
Sitting on the beach in the bermuda shorts and the casual shirts and sunglasses, they see a beautiful blonde in a bikini walking towards them -"Hello Fathers" she says and walks on.
Stunned at being recognised, the Priests decide to get really roary hawaiian shirts, big sunglasses, wee panama hats to try and hide the fact that they are Priests on holiday.
Sitting dressed up, they see again the beautiful blonde waking along the beach - "Hello Fathers" she says.
The Priests cant stand it, they run after her and ask her how come she knows thery are 2 Priests.
She lifts up her singlasses and says - "Sure, do you not recognise me ? - its Sister Bridget, from the convent next door to the Chapel !".

I'll get me coat.