...sent to one of the girls in the work - she dosn't even know who this person is that sent it.
London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense.
'Today we mourne the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in beaurocratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (Don't spend more than you earn) and reliable strategies (Adults not children are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year old boy charged with sexual harassement for kissing a class-mate; Teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Churches became businesses; and criminals recieved better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live when after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a little in her lap and was promtly rewarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceeded in death by his parents, Trust and Truth; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 step-brothers; I know my rights, I want it now, Someone else is to blame and I'm a victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still remember him, please pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Never a truer word spoken in jest eh?.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
Heard the one about ...
...the Purina Diet?
I'm standing at the end of a large queue in Costco with two 15KG bags of Purina Dog food.
The woman standing behind me asks if I have a dog.
I say "No, I'm on the Purina Dog Food Diet"
She asks what that is.
I say " You just keep a bag with some kibbles in it on you at all times so that any time you feel hungry, you have them handy to eat. That its a fantastic diet because its a complete food - it has the right balance of carbohydrate, proteins and fibre and even tastes great because of all the meaty juices in it."
At this point everyone in the queue is listening in anxious to heat more about this wonder diet so I continue..
"I 've lost so much weight in this diet.....but I hope I have better success this time on it than I had with it the first time I tried it"
She asks "Why, what happened" - the guy behind her leans in closer so he can hear better...
"Well, the first time I tried it I ended up in Intensive Care, tubes coming out of every orifice and IV lines attached to both arms and hooked up to what felt like dozens of monitors."
She's turned white... the guy behind looks shocked.....
"How come ....?"
"Well, I was sitting on the side of the road liking my arse when a lorry came out of nowhere and ran me over...................................................of course I've got a bloody dog!"
I'm standing at the end of a large queue in Costco with two 15KG bags of Purina Dog food.
The woman standing behind me asks if I have a dog.
I say "No, I'm on the Purina Dog Food Diet"
She asks what that is.
I say " You just keep a bag with some kibbles in it on you at all times so that any time you feel hungry, you have them handy to eat. That its a fantastic diet because its a complete food - it has the right balance of carbohydrate, proteins and fibre and even tastes great because of all the meaty juices in it."
At this point everyone in the queue is listening in anxious to heat more about this wonder diet so I continue..
"I 've lost so much weight in this diet.....but I hope I have better success this time on it than I had with it the first time I tried it"
She asks "Why, what happened" - the guy behind her leans in closer so he can hear better...
"Well, the first time I tried it I ended up in Intensive Care, tubes coming out of every orifice and IV lines attached to both arms and hooked up to what felt like dozens of monitors."
She's turned white... the guy behind looks shocked.....
"How come ....?"
"Well, I was sitting on the side of the road liking my arse when a lorry came out of nowhere and ran me over...................................................of course I've got a bloody dog!"
Bloody Neil Diamond II ...
... that @ 6 or 7 empty posts cos I belted the button - three shredded wheat eh???.
Bloody Neil Diamond...
...was on night shift last week.
Didnt get home till late on Wed. morning for a sleep.
Got up, ready and out for work as usual when on nights - raining for the first time in about a fortnight.......no bloody cars in the street and surrounding streets. Something on at Hampden and no obvious signs that cars were going to be lifted!
Phoned the work to tell them I'd be late. The second time I called them found out that Neil Diamond was playing at Hampden but unless you were a Dianmond fan, you wouldnt have known. Should have realised it wasnt a Football match when I saw the Flag seller's flogging pink fluff trimmed stetson's. Not the sort of thing the average butch football fan would wear to a match...unless they had a death wish.
Finally found a Policewoman - not only years younger than me but absolutely totty too... and asked her what happened to the cars lifted from my street.
OK, I growled at her.
After waiting in the pissing rain for 5 minutes, was told the car was in Myrtle Park about 1 mile away - OK it felt like it trying to walk to it in the pissing rain and laden with bags for work wearing a long woollen cardigan cos the jacket and raincoat were in the back of the motor - well the sun was splitting the trees when I got home.
Found the car, eventually and the FRONT DRIVER'S SIDE TYRE WAS FLAT.
So, its not just raining, its Thunder and Lightning, the rains belting down, I'm soaked through and I'm kneeling in a puddle - well a torrent running down the gutters because of the volume of rain falling and I'm trying to get a jack under the car to try and lift it to get the spare wheel on.
Except I cant get the wheel nuts off because they are Factory tightened and my elbow's still buggered from the Tennis Elbow that developed last year so I called the RAC. They said it would take over an hour for someone to get to me. He called after 10 minutes and needed diections to get to me because his Sat-nav was broken but he'd get there in an hour.
He took 35 minutes and fixed it in 5 and was a dead nice guy...
... who was appalled at the polis/council guys who lift residents cars because they live within a set distance from Hampden, although it is a safety issue, but they could have had signs up warning us not to park.
At least I wasnt taken to the Polis pound - I think its @ £125 to get out of there but then I wasnt parked illegally. The front tyre had been a bit "soft" but I though it would be OK till I could get to a garage and try to blow it up - didnt realise the bloody thing had a wee nail in it so looks like another tenner at the National tyre palce in Kilmarnock to get it sealed and blown up - Damn, that means I'll have to go to TK MAXX again.
I think the lifting guys had let the air out so I would have to deal with it properly, which meant in turn they wouldnt have to scrape me up from wherever it was I would have lost control of the car - OK, the grammer's shite but you know what I mean.
Was only an hour and a half late for work, couldnt get annual leave hours as only 6 people had turned up when I first phoned in.
Bugger, after the start to the night didnt really feel like working.
Didnt get home till late on Wed. morning for a sleep.
Got up, ready and out for work as usual when on nights - raining for the first time in about a fortnight.......no bloody cars in the street and surrounding streets. Something on at Hampden and no obvious signs that cars were going to be lifted!
Phoned the work to tell them I'd be late. The second time I called them found out that Neil Diamond was playing at Hampden but unless you were a Dianmond fan, you wouldnt have known. Should have realised it wasnt a Football match when I saw the Flag seller's flogging pink fluff trimmed stetson's. Not the sort of thing the average butch football fan would wear to a match...unless they had a death wish.
Finally found a Policewoman - not only years younger than me but absolutely totty too... and asked her what happened to the cars lifted from my street.
OK, I growled at her.
After waiting in the pissing rain for 5 minutes, was told the car was in Myrtle Park about 1 mile away - OK it felt like it trying to walk to it in the pissing rain and laden with bags for work wearing a long woollen cardigan cos the jacket and raincoat were in the back of the motor - well the sun was splitting the trees when I got home.
Found the car, eventually and the FRONT DRIVER'S SIDE TYRE WAS FLAT.
So, its not just raining, its Thunder and Lightning, the rains belting down, I'm soaked through and I'm kneeling in a puddle - well a torrent running down the gutters because of the volume of rain falling and I'm trying to get a jack under the car to try and lift it to get the spare wheel on.
Except I cant get the wheel nuts off because they are Factory tightened and my elbow's still buggered from the Tennis Elbow that developed last year so I called the RAC. They said it would take over an hour for someone to get to me. He called after 10 minutes and needed diections to get to me because his Sat-nav was broken but he'd get there in an hour.
He took 35 minutes and fixed it in 5 and was a dead nice guy...
... who was appalled at the polis/council guys who lift residents cars because they live within a set distance from Hampden, although it is a safety issue, but they could have had signs up warning us not to park.
At least I wasnt taken to the Polis pound - I think its @ £125 to get out of there but then I wasnt parked illegally. The front tyre had been a bit "soft" but I though it would be OK till I could get to a garage and try to blow it up - didnt realise the bloody thing had a wee nail in it so looks like another tenner at the National tyre palce in Kilmarnock to get it sealed and blown up - Damn, that means I'll have to go to TK MAXX again.
I think the lifting guys had let the air out so I would have to deal with it properly, which meant in turn they wouldnt have to scrape me up from wherever it was I would have lost control of the car - OK, the grammer's shite but you know what I mean.
Was only an hour and a half late for work, couldnt get annual leave hours as only 6 people had turned up when I first phoned in.
Bugger, after the start to the night didnt really feel like working.
T in The Park....
Havn't been on this for bloody ages.
Sitting in the Internet cafe.
The guy behind the desk has a real problem with his people skills - makes me look like a sweetheart.
Came in dead early this morning to log onto Ticketmaster to try and get T in the Park tickets, even had to hunt round earlier to try and get a cashline that worked to lift the lock-out on my bank cards so I can now use chip and pin - result, I can get petrol at ASDA again!
The last run of T tickets went on sale at @ 09.00am and seemed to sell out at 10past - then some seemed to be on sale for @ 2 tickets at a atime, but I only wanted one.
Didn't bother - prices were too high..... might have a chance buying one from someone in the work for the face-price although I would add on £10 for the handling fee you get charged when you buy them but which people tend to forget to give you - a bit like the VAT when you take someone into COSTCO to get something on your card.
The person concerned...didnt seem to hit it off working with her when she first arrived in the Hell that is work. But then I like to suss folk out for myself - funny how someone else's "good co-worker" turns out to be a lazy bastard. But when we were working together, I wasn't on edge worrying about the capabilities of staff on shift so we were all able to relax and had quite good shifts - even to the point of getting a bit of teaching done when the offer came out the blue of a spare ticket for T.
If it dosn't come off, I'll be disapointed, but it was made in a generous spirit and if she decides that one of her friends deserves it more than me, well Friends come before "someone you work with" and I'll try again for tickets for next year.
Sitting in the Internet cafe.
The guy behind the desk has a real problem with his people skills - makes me look like a sweetheart.
Came in dead early this morning to log onto Ticketmaster to try and get T in the Park tickets, even had to hunt round earlier to try and get a cashline that worked to lift the lock-out on my bank cards so I can now use chip and pin - result, I can get petrol at ASDA again!
The last run of T tickets went on sale at @ 09.00am and seemed to sell out at 10past - then some seemed to be on sale for @ 2 tickets at a atime, but I only wanted one.
Didn't bother - prices were too high..... might have a chance buying one from someone in the work for the face-price although I would add on £10 for the handling fee you get charged when you buy them but which people tend to forget to give you - a bit like the VAT when you take someone into COSTCO to get something on your card.
The person concerned...didnt seem to hit it off working with her when she first arrived in the Hell that is work. But then I like to suss folk out for myself - funny how someone else's "good co-worker" turns out to be a lazy bastard. But when we were working together, I wasn't on edge worrying about the capabilities of staff on shift so we were all able to relax and had quite good shifts - even to the point of getting a bit of teaching done when the offer came out the blue of a spare ticket for T.
If it dosn't come off, I'll be disapointed, but it was made in a generous spirit and if she decides that one of her friends deserves it more than me, well Friends come before "someone you work with" and I'll try again for tickets for next year.
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